I Need Love

I'm an Aries with a Type A personality; therefore, I’ve always been a touch it, feel it kind of person. For you biblical scholars, I’m what you would call a Doubting Thomas. Since I can remember, I’ve never accepted anything for face value, and I couldn’t trust a man if he didn’t live by the Scarface mantra “All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don’t break them for anyone”. My philosophy was simple, break that trust the first time, shame on you. Break that trust a second time, shame on me – I’ll keep you at a distance. Couple the above with a harden heart and numb emotions developed back in 98 (I’ll explain how my emotions became numb and my heart harden in a future post), falling in love seemed as fictional as the baby Jesus being born from the Virgin Mary. And so…My Journey down heartbreak begins - a delusional soul unequipped to handle his first true love.

Lauryn Hill warned women about me in “Doo-Wop (That Thing)”. Since 98, I’ve been about the Benjamin’s. So it shouldn’t surprise you that for over a decade, I never took relationships too seriously. My arrogance and confidence was at hall of fame level, My viewpoint on relationships and women was simple, I was an asset – you needed me before I needed you. Women had very few options and my charisma, charm and conversation could put me over the top. I had a head on my shoulders, stable career, no kids and could provide women with hope they could believe in - #YesWeCan. Running my own political campaign, I dated; I fucked and kept her around as long as it was convenient for me. I didn’t care what anyone thought, it was my world so my feelings were all that mattered.

Fast Forward to 2012, it shouldn’t shock you that cupid found me and I was “Drunk in Love”. I meet My Love during that period, mentioned above. Knowing, I wasn’t ready for a full commitment, I placed her in my back pocket like a check ready to cash on a rainy day – another selfish move. I knew that eventually, I would pursue her for a long term partnership, but it would happen on my terms – when I had rid myself of my personal desires and I was ready to settle down. After years of not being on the same page, we finally decided to date. She had had my heart 2 years prior, so it wasn’t long before I opened myself to vulnerability – I was in LOVE for the first time. I was gone (removed from my own desires and focused on her ever will). She meant the world to me. But I wasn’t equipped to handle a serious relationship. You see, for over a decade I had never developed the skills to provide My Love with the support and love she required. She had past experiences and developed her own expectations for her next commitment. As for me, over the past decade, I was Jordan Belfort without the drugs – the wolf of my street. I had cared about only three things – me, money and sex. So trying to figure out how to love, when you’ve never believed in love is a hard concept to learn overnight. Long story short, we didn’t make it and I was heartbroken. I was heartbroken.

Life has a way of teaching us lessons and for the past year, I’ve reflected on that relationship and the lessons learned. For a man that never bought into the hype of love or believing in love, I’ve learned that Love is real, Love is powerful and Love can hurt. I started this blog to expose myself, my vulnerabilities and to tell my story – Tight did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that. I am TIGHT and these are my truths and my stories.

“I love you like a FAT KID, love cake”…I love you so much, that it is unhealthy. Tight Tight